profile: lauren dickover

My first job was at the age of 12, at a coffee shop for a lady I met in an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting. She was still active in her alcoholism and had me working for the tip jar. My job duties were to wash dishes, bus tables and clean the bathrooms. Once she finally decided to put me on payroll, my checks bounced.

At age 14, I remember my first shift at Denny’s. I had to start at 5:30 AM and I was still drunk from the night before. My boyfriend and I were at a party and the cops got called. I got caught hiding in my boyfriend’s car, and he went on the run. I was a very functional alcoholic and addict, even at a very early age.

My entire childhood through my late twenties, I suffered from untreated trauma responses and didn’t have a healthy support system. I didn’t know what self-care was, growing up no one around me did either.

My life was going fast when I witnessed one of my best friends overdose on meth. His heart exploded and he died instantly. I was one of the first responders and tried to help my friend. Once I knew he was dead, the friend I was dating and I started packing up our bags and we hid in the basement till our friend’s body was taken out of the house. The guy I was dating was nervous because he lived in that house and had 7 drug felonies. We waited in the basement for almost 2 hours, totally silent, we couldn’t cry or scream. We waited until the medical examiner left to vacate the house.

The day after my friend overdosed, I couldn’t get my work shift covered and had to serve cocktails. I cried at least three times that night.

I still didn’t go to therapy, I kept carrying all of the trauma with me. I took Xanax and drank myself to sleep, while gruesome images from my friend’s death haunted my nightmares. I couldn’t escape and I didn’t know what to do. I was in survival mode. I then became involved in a very toxic (profitable) workplace where I was using cocaine and drinking tequila shots during every shift. I was hurting so bad, I just wanted to be numb. I was in crisis mode, experiencing PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Clinical Depression.

Once I quit drinking and using hard drugs, I learned that I could live a life of love and light. I could grow and choose not to suffer any longer. My life keeps improving since I chose to embrace the healing community around me.

I have a therapist I talk to once a week now. Recovery and healing are an important hybrid for me, I use a combination of yoga, astrology, tarot cards, the moon cycles, sound healing and reiki.

I’ll never forget hearing this quote in an AA meeting when I was 12 years old, “If you’ve got one leg in the past, and one leg in tomorrow, you’re just pissing all over today.” I choose to stay in the present moment, just for today.